


its not a problem, just a challenge

by queerfawn



Series: redefining bravery [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Im not fucking with tags rn, M/M, maybe later - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The next question came out of nowhere. "What do you know about psychosis and PTSD?"</p><p>"Nothing?" John replied, opening one eye to give his boyfriend the most confused look he could manage. If Alexander was implying what he thought, he was being ridiculous. There was no way he was mentally ill. Sure, he'd considered it from time to time, but everything he felt must be normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	its not a problem, just a challenge

**Author's Note:**

> This pertains to the events following 'never fair' though it probably isn't necessary to read that first.  
> Guys... I like didn't edit this I don't have the energy for that rn. I'm so sorry. In addition I have no experience with PTSD (I mean... W/ my trauma it's possible I have it but I'm not diagnosed and I know v v little about it) and I am aware that psychosis is just a symptom not its own thing. What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry if I offend any other neurodivergent individuals by using these terms or writting a mentally ill character poorly. I hope that makes sense? Yikes. Enjoy the fic I guess.

John's head was pounding, and even with his eyes closed it was too bright. He was glad he at least had Alexander to wrap himself around and gripe at. He was glad he hadn't left. He groaned loudly as his head gave a particularly painful throb and heard his boyfriend laugh. He smushed his face further into the other mans chest, shaking his head as if to say he didn't agree with any of this.

"Hungover?" Alex asked as quietly as he could. John nodded minutely, afraid too much movement would only make his headache worse. "Want water and painkillers?"

"Please," John mumbled, wiggling off of the other man so he could get up and pulling their blanket over his head to block out the bothersome late morning sunlight. Alexander returned as quickly as he could and John reluctantly emerged from the blankets to receive the water and Advil. He squinted against the harsh light, making a sound of displeasure from low in his chest. Alex laughed. He swallowed the pills greedily and drained the glass in two gulps, not realizing how dry his mouth had been until he was done.

"Feel better?" Alexander asked with a small smile, crawling back into bed and gesturing for John to curl up in his lap. Which, after sitting his now empty glass on the bedside table, he did without complaint. He could've purred when Alexander started playing with his hair.

"A little. Thank you," John replied, letting his eyes drift shut.

"We said we would talk," Alex said cautiously, and John remembered that they had indeed agreed to do so.

John nodded, shifting to get more comfortable. "Ask whatever you need to babe," He mumbled.

Alexander exhaled slowly before speaking. "How long have you been having hallucinations? And why didn't you tell me sooner?"

John chewed on his lip, trying to think of an acceptable response. "Since I was about fifteen, and because I didn't want to worry you, I guess. I mean- I didn't even want you to know what happened so..." He let himself trail off.

Alexander sighed and pressed a kiss to John's cheek. "You can tell me anything, please remember that." 

He nodded, eyes still closed to avoid the light. "I know. I will from now on."

The next question came out of nowhere. "What do you know about psychosis and PTSD?"

"Nothing?" John replied, opening one eye to give his boyfriend the most confused look he could manage. If Alexander was implying what he thought, he was being ridiculous. There was no way he was mentally ill. Sure, he'd considered it from time to time, but everything he felt must be normal.

Alexander frowned slightly. "Have you even considered that you're almost definitely not neurotypical after everything you've been through?"

"Not really."

Alex sighed deeply, sounding tired. "I think maybe you should. Come see my therapist? I can't make you do anything you don't want to, but it can't hurt and I think you would benefit from it."

John shrugged and closed his eye again, yawning. "I guess I could go. But right now I just want to nap and cuddle my boyfriend."

Alex chuckled lightly, pulling him into his arms. "We're going to have to eat, you know." John kissed him before he could say anything else.

"Nap first. Probably couldn't keep it down with the state I'm in.

"Fine. I love you."

"I love you too."

—————

John inhaled deeply, allowing a moment to ready himself before he had to face Alexander. He knew he'd have to face a borage of questions about matters he didn't even want to think of once he opened the door to their apartment. But he unlocked the door and stepped inside anyway. 

"Alexander," He shouted, kicking off his shoes. "I'm home."

There was no reply for a moment and he was terrified it would be like a few months ago when he'd come home to his boyfriend having cut open his own wrists. He didn't know if he could handle it. Then he heard commotion and a muffled reply from the kitchen and his fear eased.

He followed the sound to see his boyfriend cursing at a cookbook and couldn't help but smile. He seemed to be making pasta but John wasn't quite sure. Alex noticed his presence and shot him a grin, pulling him into a disappointingly quick kiss.

"Hey, how'd it go," Alexander asked, thinly veiled concern in his voice.

John laughed slightly, a bit of a nervous habit. "Well, you were right. I'm not neurotypical. She wants me back next week and to work on these coping skill things until next time? They seem a lot like stuff you do and things I do to help you calm down."

Alexander nodded, giving him an almost sad smile. "I'm kind of surprised you didn't know what coping skills were already- I guess I've never exactly explained though. I'm guessing she didn't give you a diagnosis yet?"

John shook his head. "No. I guess she wants to see me a few times first," He took a deep breath. "I'm scared, Alex."

His boyfriend looked more than a little worried. "Why? What's wrong?" He asked earnestly, taking the other mans hand.

John groaned in mild frustration. "I don't even know. I guess I was just... Hoping I'd be okay."

"It's okay not to be okay," Alex said softly, squeezing his hand. "And it's okay to be afraid. Because we have each other and I'm going to be here for you as long as you want me. Now, I can tell you don't want to talk about this anymore, so help me figure out how to correctly make this goddamn marinara sauce."

John laughed genuinely and agreed, continuing to spend far too long making lasagna and then getting distracted by Alexander's lips halfway through eating it. Later, as he kissed down the other mans neck he couldn't help but think just how damn lucky and in love he was.

**Author's Note:**

> Indulge me with a comment maybe? Also check out my other stuff for more sad gays


End file.
